The internet contains approximately 40 bazillion articles, blog posts and lists (that’s a highly scientific figure, of course) that claim to dispense some kind of practical advice on dating. Unfortunately, most of these are written from the wrong perspective entirely. A listicle titled “The 12 Best Ways to Get Her Back to Your Place” isn’t interested in prepping you for a successful dating career — and maybe that’s fine for your specific circumstances.
But there are three million first dates every single day throughout the world. And first dates are pretty much the hallmark of people who actually want to focus their efforts on finding substantive companionship, not just the next Mr./Ms. Right Now. Sleazy blog posts that focus on “dating” tend to focus on all the wrong things, mainly the stuff that’s completely centered around the present tense only. It’s easy to view the other person — really, any other person — as a goal in and of themselves, but it’s harder to put yourself inside their moccasins (or their high heels, as it were).
What women find attractive in a man is confidence, but it’s also about being yourself. So, whether you need a few pointers on how to approach women in bars or how to strike up a conversation at the bus stop, here are a few things you should never say to a woman in any situation if you ever want a shot at building a relationship with her.
1. “We should (insert life event here).”
For example, “We should move in together” or “We should meet each other’s families.” This isn’t a male or female gender roles thing, either — it’s just rude to make the decision without first considering the other person’s feelings. “How do you feel about finding a place together?” is much better because it’s an invitation to conversation, not a request for agreement. This is clearly something to pitch when you’ve known her a bit longer, not anything you need to know for how to approach women in bars (unless you want to scare them away forever).
2. “I’m not crazy about your friends.”
Whether you like the folks inside a woman’s inner circle or not doesn’t really matter. She might not be particularly fond of your pals, either, but in order to build some kind of lasting relationship, concessions often have to be made. And there’s nothing stopping the two of you from branching out and meeting some new people you can hang around with instead. In fact, that sounds like a much more eloquent way to phrase that specific complaint.
3. “So, how many partners have you had?”
This is a completely loaded question that’s actually making two divergent inquiries at once. There’s the surface one, which concerns long-term relationships and past romantic flings. But the real intent of a question like this is to probe into the woman’s sexual activity long before you ever knew her, and that’s not fair. It’s not fair, by the way, for her to ask it of you, too. Humans love to look for patterns in numbers and countable information, but this is one area the modern man simply doesn’t need to go because it only leads to disagreements and conflict over events that are largely in the past.
Learning how to approach women in bars isn’t the only way to build an enjoyable romantic future. First, you have to learn how to approach yourself. Remember that.